Words can build worlds — or break spirits. As parents, guardians, or caregivers, what we say in passing can echo in our children’s minds for years. Some phrases may seem harmless in the moment, but their impact can be deep, long-lasting, and difficult to undo.
Child psychologists and trauma experts warn that some common sayings — often said out of stress or habit — can damage a child’s self-esteem, emotional development, or trust. And even though no parent is perfect, being mindful of what *not* to say is just as powerful as knowing what to say.
Here are 10 statements that experts, educators, and grown-up children alike agree should never be said to a child — and what to do instead.
1. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
Comparison kills confidence. According to Psychology Today, it can also breed resentment and lifelong competition between siblings. Every child needs to feel seen for who they are — not who they’re not.
2. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
This phrase teaches kids that emotions are punishable. Healthline’s parenting specialists say this shuts down emotional expression and can lead to emotional repression in adulthood.
3. “You’re being dramatic.”
Minimizing a child’s feelings doesn’t make the emotion go away — it teaches them not to trust their own perception. Empathy, not mockery, builds emotional intelligence. The Greater Good Science Center recommends validation over judgment.
4. “Because I said so.”
Kids crave understanding. This classic phrase might end an argument but it also ends trust. According to NPR’s coverage of authoritative parenting, explaining your reasoning builds critical thinking — and mutual respect.
5. “You’re too sensitive.”
Labeling a child “too” anything implies there’s something wrong with their natural disposition. Emotional sensitivity is not a flaw — it’s a gift. Dr. Elaine Aron’s research on highly sensitive children shows they often become the most emotionally intelligent adults — if nurtured properly.
6. “You’ll never be good at that.”
Negativity like this can lock kids into self-doubt. According to Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset, children flourish when they believe they can improve through effort — not when they’re told their ability is fixed or inadequate.
7. “Big boys/girls don’t get scared.”
This not only shames fear — it teaches suppression over self-awareness. Experts from the CDC’s children’s mental health division advise replacing shame with comfort, helping kids process fear through dialogue, not denial.
8. “You’re fine.”
Sometimes they’re not. Telling a child they’re “fine” when they’re clearly upset doesn’t teach resilience — it teaches gaslighting. Verywell Mind calls this “emotional invalidation,” a practice linked to anxiety and low self-trust later in life.
9. “I’m disappointed in you.”
It’s not the disappointment that wounds — it’s the shame it carries. Instead of focusing on identity, focus on behavior. According to CNN’s emotional parenting series, this distinction helps kids correct mistakes without internalizing them as personal failures.
10. “You’re such a bad kid.”
This phrase cuts deeper than most. Labeling a child as “bad” often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The Child Mind Institute urges parents to separate the child from the behavior — “You made a bad choice” is repairable. “You are bad” is scarring.
Real Words, Real Scars
In a viral tweet by Dr. Julie Connor, one adult wrote, “My mother always told me I was too emotional — I still apologize for crying to this day.” Thousands responded with similar stories — proof that childhood words live on long after the moment passes.
“Be careful how you talk to your kids. Your voice becomes their inner voice.” pic.twitter.com/kidvoice— Upworthy (@Upworthy) July 9, 2025
Psychotherapist Vienna Pharaon warns that many adult traumas began with these everyday phrases. “When your parent shamed your crying or mocked your fear — that wasn’t tough love. That was emotional dismissal.”
One mother shared on Reddit how she apologized to her son for saying “you’re too loud” — and his eyes welled up. “He told me he thought he was annoying and didn’t know why. I’d said it so many times, I didn’t even hear myself anymore.”
So What Can You Say Instead?
Instead of “You’re too sensitive,” try “It’s okay to feel big feelings. I’m here.”
Instead of “You’ll never be good at that,” try “Let’s keep practicing — you’re learning every time.”
Instead of “Because I said so,” try “Let me explain why I think this matters.”
Parenting for Brain recommends active listening, reflective language, and restorative discipline. The goal isn’t perfection — it’s connection. When kids feel heard, they behave better. When they feel safe, they speak up.
The Long-Term Impact
Research from the National Library of Medicine shows that emotionally safe homes lead to higher academic performance, lower behavioral problems, and stronger adult relationships. What we say matters — not just in the moment, but for a lifetime.
Therapist @TheAngryTherapist said it best: “You don’t have to be the perfect parent. Just be the one who repairs.” That’s what kids remember — not that you never said the wrong thing, but that you tried to say the right thing next time.
One Final Story
A grown man once wrote that he never forgot the time his father called him “a loser” when he failed math. It was just one sentence — shouted during an argument — but it shaped his sense of self for two decades. “I stopped trying in school after that. If he already saw me that way, what was the point?”
Years later, his father apologized. “I was angry and scared for you,” he said. “But I see now how much I hurt you. I was wrong.”
That man didn’t forget the insult. But he remembered the apology just as clearly. “It gave me permission to stop believing it,” he said. “It gave me back my voice.”
You don’t have to be perfect — but you do have to be present. And willing to repair.
So the next time you’re tempted to say something sharp, stop. Take a breath. Ask yourself — is this shaping the voice they’ll carry for life?
If not, choose a different one. Because one day, they’ll tell the story of how you spoke to them. Let that story be one that heals.
LEAVE US A COMMENT
Comments
comments